Monday, May 10, 2010

You might be a Redneck if...

Here's some You might be a Redneck if... jokes from my favorite Comedian of all-time, Jeff Foxworthy:

Your hood ornament used to be a bowling trophy

You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time

The strongest smell in your house is butane

Your fire marshall bans you from barbecuing

You've totalled every car you've ever owned

You've belched while delivering an eulogy

You've hidden a controlled substance in a maternity bra

All your wall decorations have horns

There is not room for one more bumper sticker on your car

Your pawnshop sends you a christmas card.

All your tupperware is old butter containers.

You keep an "emergency pack" of Marlboros duct taped under your dashboard

You made a cheat sheet for a hunter safety test.

You move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundays.

Your duck call turns your wife on.

You have eight cars and still have to bum a ride to work

You keep a bottle opener in the shower.

You finally mow the lawn and discover two cars.

Your Front porch furniture includes a fridge with a church-key chained to it.

The death of your Coon-Dog creates a 20 car funeral procession.

Your daughter has 'GMC' permenently-Embossed on her forehead.

You have four cars that won't roll and a home that does.

Your Mother uses Hoppe's for perfume.

You have ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint and a brush to defend your sisters honor.

You regularly give away free puppies.

You've ever picked up a woman at a convenience store.

People are afraid to touch your bathrobe.

You use a piece of bread as a napkin.

You've ever written your resume on a cocktail napkin.

The most comfortable seat in your home is the commode.

Neighbors come to you for tire swing advice.

Your cigarette lighter is your stove.

Your satellite dish has more square footage than your home.

You've ever urinated from a moving vehicle.

You always use tape to hem your pants.

Every time you go to Vegas, you come home pregnant.

You know your daddy's C.B. handle, but not his real name.

Direstions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

You've touched up your truck's paint with a Sharpie.

You have more tattoos than teeth.

You can take off your bra while driving.

You plead the fifth at a marriage counseling session.

You run out of beer and your friends go home.

Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

You've belched while saying "I love you."

Your wedding ring changes colour according to your mood.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Why vote Democrat

Note: The following is satirical as I'm not a Democrat.

When your liberal friends can't explain why they voted for Democrats, give them this list. They can then pick a reason

I voted Democrat because...

1. I voted Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my ass it's unlikely that I'll ever have another point of view.

2. I voted Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

3. I voted Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the democrats see fit.

4. I voted Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits.

5. I voted Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies through abortion so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

6. I voted Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.

7. I voted Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.

8. I voted Democrat because Freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

9. I voted Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

10. I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Conservatives vs. Liberals

If a conservative doesnt like guns, he doesn`t buy one.
If a liberal doesnt like guns, he feels that no one should have one.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn`t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants to ban all meat products for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he loudly demands legislated respect.

If a black man and Hispanic are conservatives, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesnt like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they dont like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesnt go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God or religion silenced.

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his health care.